Pressure from within. Expanding. If bottled pain transforms into rage.. What then does love transform into?
But it has been building for so long. Why would I not have noticed before? Though to think of it, last time.. it transformed into pain.. That is a very bad cycle. Must avoid it. How? But then, it never moved to the third stage. It is.. a different kind. So what is the third stage? If there is one.
Holy shit, I'm always cuddly but I have never craved a hug this much before.
I need to scream.
So many emotions shifting and flowing. This is not the time. I need to organize.. But I feel so strong. I can vividly see and feel my soul and my body at the same time. I'm fully aware of them both at once, yet there's so much to keep track of, I'm not able to focus on one thing at either side.. My attentions are constantly divided and indecisive.
I find I am 'going with the flow' whenever it is an option to deal with this.
I feel so weak, such a lack of balance, of stability. Yet I feel invincible, strong, simultaneously. That doesn't even make sense.
For a time I was beginning to think my issue was something like a 'bipolar' issue - seeing that I was always only high or low. But what the fuck is this? Is THIS what it's like to be balanced? How does anyone function like this?
Hehe. I think she fell asleep.. her lungs are so soothing. God it feels good to be - in a basic way, yet so vividly - reminded that she's alive. All these things she's given me to hold.. So many times have they been solace for me. In moments I feel overwhelmed, on edge, ready to snap or fall; I need only look to my wrist. As if my fist is clenched and braced, when suddenly her hand grasps my arm; The emotion releases, calms. In moments I feel anxiety, hopelessness - I clutch that box like a child with a plush. The negative feelings intensify for a few seconds, but soon subside completely, as if they were never there. Then warmth. Such influence this creature has over me.. It's frightening. I've only felt this in one other place.. Why? Or.. how, maybe?
There was an eclipse tonight. As I was writing this, actually. Normally I'd be interested, but this feels bad. Really bad. If naught else but an insult.. But surely I can be wrong. One hopes so, anyway.