Yes friends, I'm still alive! More so than ever.
My biggest pain is losing people, it seems. Whether they're taken suddenly, or fade in time. And I always seem to find a way to blame myself whether it's logical to or not. I think it's because I'm afraid to admit that it's just the way things are.. I'm afraid to believe that it's out of my control.
I even did that a little bit with Cyan. He was one of the best cases when it comes to that stuff, since closure was already done. But even so.. I kept hating myself for not spending more time with him, any moment I had spent divided or just not devoted to him, I felt terrible for it, I felt like I had ignored him in his last days. But logic told me that wasn't true.
In my conscience, I knew I had helped him. I knew he was ready to accept his fate, without so much pain; With happiness, even, knowing that he wasn't alone at the time he left. I knew that I had saved this man from an unbelievable amount of grief and sorrow.. Yet there were still little things I managed to beat myself up for. But nature took him; Not me. Not my actions, not actions of others I could've prevented.. Life itself took him, and for a brief moment I thought it was my fault again. But then I realized that's impossible. I did everything in my power for him, even if I couldn't save him. He loved me, as I him.
It was then I realized that sometimes it is not always possible to stop someone's parting. But until now I never realized that it hadn't impacted me the way I just realized it should. That I shouldn't be so upset when people disappear. Yet it still gets me.. It's the lament of time. Knowing that when time takes something from you, there's no getting it back.. But that's not true.
Everything I've lost has some way of getting back to me.. One way or another. In different forms; A particular smile, familiar animals, useful lessons, whispers of passersby. Just little pieces of it, floating around in my path. I'm constantly reminded that everything I've lost is still out there, somewhere.