I.. I don't talk about this much. Never, actually.
Do you believe in immortal love?
It seems like whenever I become happy, positive, fortunate, whatever, I feel.. Well, good! Very very good. What do we all seek in life if not happiness? And to me this is plentiful recently. I feel relaxed, carefree. Sunny.
Yet even when nothing is wrong, there's always one thing clawing at me from inside. Persistant, ongoing, day by day. It has always been there, no matter the time or place, all throughout my life there has been that one thing burdening me from deep inside myself. But what is it?
It feels like loss. Like waiting, with uncertainty for how long. It is a constant ache, like an empty space. I feel like everything I do, like everything I've ever done, is just to pass time. Every moment spent as nothing but a distraction from this pain, from this longing.
At one time, it had a name. She had a name. Several names. Or maybe it was just one? I've got so fucking many ghosts in my head I have trouble telling them apart.. Maybe that's it. Maybe it was alawys her. All of them.. But how? That doesn't make sense.. Does it?
"Nevermore". It's the only thing that comes to mind. But I know it was something else once. It was a different language. An old one.. Out of use now. But it was so memorable. Apparently that's not true?
It makes me feel so meaningless sometimes, it's sort of a backwards complex of.. I dunno. But it just makes me think, when the reason for my existence hasn't been seen for so many years, when I don't even know if she's alive at the present time? I keep thinking I'll find some better meaning to this life than just occupying time; I think, okay, maybe I'll use all that spare time to help out, y'know? But the opportunities are so sparse. I just try to live up to my old legacy as best I can but it's not always easy. Then again, I've never had a specific way to live.. It always changes. I've never been able to fit into a single role.
The Transition is harsh. It destroys so many access points to the innermost mind. They are sealed again, and it takes so many years to unlock. But it makes sense, in a way. I always seem to have a few clues when I'm born. Just vague, blurry images of important things from before. Just enough to keep me puzzled for a long ass time.
Sometimes I have a feeling that we kept some sort of deal, like we both go through our separate doors at the same time, do our part here and meet up again at the end. Are we looking for something? Are we just trying to do whatever we can?
My head feels so weak when I think about this stuff. Like when you're reaching to feel what you can't see atop a shelf, but you're just not quite tall enough. It's so close, it's right in front of you, but there's no way you can get to it.. Yet.
This time around has only begun.. Yet already I miss you so much. If you're still among us, I'll find you. Someday.